We don’t have to stay frozen
The moment we take our first step as a parent a lot of our unhealed trauma wants to wake up. This trauma can be subtle or not so subtle. Regardless of what it was or how it happened, it can impact how we “see” and interact with the experiences of our own children.
I can sit here and think of at least 10 experiences I don’t want my children to have to go through and yet I know this is an impossible feat. What I do have control over is how I respond to these moments, perhaps notice how they trigger my past, and release them with compassion, gratitude and grace. The universe always finds a way to hold up a mirror and it’s what we do with those opportunities that can set us free.
Here’s a recent story that highlighted this for me :)…
This past weekend my son Luke and his AAU team traveled from Vermont to Massachusetts for a basketball tournament. The excitement was high as these boys and their amazing coach have been working HARD. They’ve grown as a team and certainly deserved to reap the benefits of their efforts. They were competing against some strong players and the competition was fierce.
3 games and 24 hours later, Luke’s team was in the championship. At the start of the game, Luke lined up to take the tip off. I can’t remember which way the ball went, but I do remember looking at him and wondering where HE went. Yes, his body was there however his eyes told a different story. He was completely gone. FROZEN. Not only did my husband and I feel it, but his coach, Ernie, did too. It was the championship game and Luke had emotionally and mentally left the gym.
As I sat and tried to remain focused on the game, I could feel myself getting triggered BIG TIME. Whether I knew it or not, a story from my past was coming to the surface. In that moment, I was being transported back to Bucknell University’s Field House. The year was 1996 and it was the start of my freshman lacrosse season.
I could hear my coach say to our team…“Depending on how you play in THIS MOMENT, you will be a starter for Saturday’s game.” Here was MY FREEZE MOMENT. I mentally and emotionally left my body. I missed most of the passes thrown my way. I messed up the plays we practiced time and time again and I couldn’t shoot to save my life! Simply stated, I mentally left the field house. Four years later and a Senior on the lacrosse team, I continued to carry the weight of that day. I truly struggled to ever get my groove back.
PRESENT DAY. Needless to say, the car ride back to Vermont was a long one. With time, Luke landed back in his body and processed a lot of what happened for him. He said “Mom, I completely let my team down. All I wanted to do was win the championship.” “Of course you wanted to win Luke. Except you attached your thinking to a certain outcome and therefore made it really hard for yourself to be present for the little steps you needed to take to get there.”
Somewhere along Interstate 89, I also felt the overwhelmed, nervous 18 year old lacrosse player rise from within in order to meet my 13 year old son. She wanted to be released. She wanted to be set free. Yes, it was uncomfortable has heck because I’ve buried this story deep within and yet, I knew this was the only path forward. Neither myself or Luke needed to remain frozen.
I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I do know there are simple remedies we can try in order to build something new. I know that by being aware of this trigger helps to loosen its’ chains… for both of us. I know that mental health has come a long way and a simple “toughen up” or “get back in the game” doesn’t cut it anymore. We have to give our athletes specific tools and help them practice them over and over again…with intention. And finally, I know I don’t have to parent Luke from a place of fear within myself and instead bring in an abundance of LOVE and JOY. Seems simple enough right? :) As always, thanks for reading.
