A Layer Of The Darn Onion
It’s green. It’s icky. It’s slimy and sneaky. It knocks us to the ground and makes it gosh darn impossible to stand back up without grasping or holding or reaching for something to fill the large hole. What is it you ask? Jealousy. Gosh darn jealousy. And here is one of my stories.
If you’re reading this then you’re probably familiar with the large onion that we metaphorically peel back in order to discover some hidden truth. Side note, why the hell is it an onion? They smell and they make you cry. Oh wait, there it is…. yes, peeling the imaginary layers of our traumas can stink. And it sure as heck can make us cry.
Yes yes yes, jealousy. This is a rough layer to expose AND I’m going to go for it anyway. Remember, all of our FEAR moments grow from somewhere and it’s our responsibility on this healers journey to Sherlock Holmes our way back to it’s origin. The theme of my jealousy story revolves completely and utterly around….drum roll….. my body.
I’ve wanted to shrink myself for a long time. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been the tallest girl in the room. Not at all a sob story. Just truth. When I was in middle school, I met the first love of my life. Holy moly we were in love. It wasn’t so much young love either. It wasn’t so innocent all the time. There was passion and rage and love and more passion and rage and love and again and again and again. This love was just hard to explain and so, I’ll leave it at that.
Here’s the kicker. He was 5 feet 4 inches and I was 5 feet 11 inches. The people around us couldn’t understand how and why our relationship existed. We didn’t fit the mold. We didn’t look the part. Nevertheless, it was love.
So, why did I want to shrink myself? Our relationship ended and began with many, many, mannnnny break-ups. When this went down, HE ALWAYS FOUND SOMEONE SMALLER. She (whoever SHE may be) was, in my mind, smaller, thinner and prettier. So hence, I wanted to shrink to be just like them.
As I’ve ventured deeper and deeper into this work, I’ve had to name this part of me. Until recently, I was jealous of THIS girl. No one in particular… just anyone who was (in my mind), smaller, thinner and prettier.
I realize, as I write this post, there are an infinite number of tangents I could take. And yet, in my attempt to keep these light and simple, I want to wrap it up.
For a long time, I couldn’t understand why I had a physical response anytime I saw one of these girls walking down the street or pictured in a magazine. I would actually feel my shoulders curve, my heart pound and my ears buzz (notice a theme here?…darn fear). For the next several days, I would avoid any mirror and photo op like it was the plague or COVID-19 (I admit it…bad joke.)
Simply stated…I left my body each and every time and went on a “comparing” shopping spree (flatter stomach, better smile, nicer butt, bigger breasts etc etc etc). Why was I giving my energy away to this woman? I finally realized how much time I wasted when there was actually a lot of fun to be had at my own house. My body.
We are human. Jealousy zings us in all types of ways. As always, be curious. Can you trace your story or self-talk back to it’s root and seed? Go there. Love that story and then kindly say good-bye. You don’t need it anymore. Fill that space in your body with self-love and watch what grows instead.
