Tiny Trauma

I’ve seen and felt trauma in all shapes and sizes. I actually never realized how small it can be. Small trauma is magnetic. It’s like the tiny snowball that gets pushed along and collects more and more snow until it forms a tight ball of snowy ice. Small trauma is a force to be reckoned with. It seeks out similar stories, invites them in and together they wreck havoc on our energetic selves.

Let me give you an example. And before I share, I want to be SO VERY CLEAR that there is no blame or lack of love in this story. In fact, it was my own interpretation and creation of this moment, no one elses.

I was five years old and my brand new triplet baby sisters were growing restless in their cribs. I went upstairs to check on them. As I was about to open the door, the baby nurse came storming up behind me, pushed me aside and said nothing as she closed the door in my face. Ouch. At the same time, I looked to see my father rushing down the front stairs, tennis bag in hand. I remember he was moving so quickly. He was off. Just. Like. That. There it is. Seems pretty minor right?

So, this was how my story built. Within that tiny moment, I had my first taste of abandonment and not feeling seen. In that moment, the dark hallway grew darker and there I stood. Alone.

Okay okay okay. This is not a cry me a river story. I promise. I share because I now understand it and see how it can be a player in this journey called life. As I’ve gotten older, moments of self-worth and abandonment continued to taunt and tease me. But here is the shift…. I now understand where these moments get their power. They get their power from me and the dark hallway.

About two years ago, I decided to do some focused energy work around this moment. I identified where that story lived inside my body. I visualized it, surrounded it with love and took many deep breaths. Over and over and over again. That moment has now lost it’s power. And the life moments of abandonment and self worth that followed?… yes…. they’ve lost their power too. It is only with love, do I see and feel these moments.

I was my own harshest critic for a long time. These were my stories, my feelings, my opportunities to heal and no one elses. 

To journey inward, is to become a detective. It can be rather fun and exciting and even funny in fact. If you could find one tiny moment in your life that continues to poke and prod at you today… what would it be? Just start by saying hello.

*** Trauma is a powerful word. It is triggering. In writing this post, I want to recognize how large and painful and life changing it can be as well.